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Thanks Kevin, for permission to include your letter to the BBC.

F.A.O. Mr Diederick Santer, Producer.

Dear Sir,

I don’t normally watch Eastenders, but when I saw that you were running a story about a gay man getting married, I decided to see if he went through with it. The story touches on my recent life, as I have recently got divorced.

My ex wife is Gay.

Please note. This is NOT a letter of complaint or protest. It is a letter of hope.

As the story goes forward, I’m sure that you will explore Syed’s emotional struggle with his sexuality with regard to his wife, as you have been in the context of his family and religion. But what of Amira?

She has now become a straight spouse, one of ‘us’. It is a reality for thousands in the UK and literally millions of men and women around the world who discover themselves to be married (often for many, many years) to someone who is lesbian or gay.

This is a great opportunity for the actress playing Amira to explore a truly insane range of emotions and illogical responses, which will require inspired writing, to tell our tale of emotional destruction, the overcoming of homophobia, isolation, counselling, resolution, personal rebirth, and possibly future friendship with an openly gay ex. By doing so the BBC will not only make a better job of it than ‘Ross in Friends’, it will speak to and for straight spouses, and will render a great service to people who find themselves ‘sucked into the closet’ as their spouse comes out.

In exploring this role fully I hope that you will show her:

• Confusion over the lack of passion and possibly lack of consummation of the marriage
• Blaming herself for that
• Wondering what she has done wrong
• Growing depressed and unable to speak to anyone about the situation
• Putting on a ‘brave face’
• Reaction as her husband withdraws from her and his friends and family
• Finding evidence and being crushed and confused
• Being emotionally abused as a direct effect of her husbands ‘closet'
• Being in chaos as her husband eventually ‘comes out’, and expects her support, claiming that he isn’t cheating, because it isn’t with another woman
• Difficulty in obtaining a divorce, because her husbands gay liaison doesn’t count as adultery
• Blaming herself because her husband is gay
• Dismay as friends say ‘at least it’s not another woman’
• Struggling with ‘reaction homophobia’
• Fear at her new belief that all men are secretly gay
• Seeking the scant support available for her, finding SSN and possibly joining a face to face support group
• Difficulties in dealing with any religious fallout – on top of everything else
• Facing the reality of STI tests (which are highly recommended for a woman in her situation)

The BBC is renowned for it’s quality programmes and excellent writing, but my emphasis here in concentrating on HER character is in the hope that the BBC has not gone for the ‘obvious target’ and concentrated the developing story on the gay man. We find all too often that it is ‘all about them’ and the straight spouse is ignored.

I hope that the BBC will not shy away from the unpalatable side effects and fallout of a straight/gay relationship out of ‘political correctness’. I hope that you will express our story, of being a minority within a minority.

It is not a normal relationship, and what follows is not a normal divorce.

I hope therefore that your writers have explored this aspect fully, that they have consulted with The Straight Spouse Network, Straight Partners Anonymous, Amity Pierce Buxton and Carol Griever as part of their research. If not, then for your information I offer the following ‘for instances’ of our experiences:

It is rare for the gay partner to admit to being fully gay, straight out.

The gay partner often comes out when under stress, following a family bereavement, mid life event or illness. It is also common for them to come out when the straight partner needs their support for a similar crisis. Failing that, anniversaries or events (new year etc) seem to be popular. Being outed by someone else, especially a gay partner, is rare.

Prior to coming out the gay partner becomes increasingly withdrawn from home responsibilities, family and straight friends, and of course from the straight spouse, who then falls into a co-dependent relationship, excusing, accommodating, pleasing and desperately trying to affirm the relationship – all the while being ignorant of the true situation, which results in their own isolation.

I further hope that, in exploring this sensitive issue, that you will give publicity to the above organisations, in the normal manner, by putting a statement following the programme, along the lines of:

‘If you have been affected by the issues contained in this episode, you can find support at www.straightspouse.org or www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk’

Please can you also add this information to your help page. Thank you.

Yours in hope,

Kevin Stevenson

 

The following blog, about a storyline from EastEnders, has been uploaded with the permission of Straight Spouse Network, with which SPA is affiliated. You can visit the SSN website here.

 

One of the great things about being part of an international organization that supports straight spouses is that we get to keep up with the television and movies that aren't available in all areas.  Straight spouses in the UK <www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk.> started 2010 watching an elaborate wedding staged between a closeted gay man and a clueless woman on EastEnders one of the most watched soap operas in the entire world.  Oh, the drama.  It seems there's been this torrid homosexual affair going on between Syed, the modern, westernized, highly educated son of a Moslem family in the catering business, and Christian, a partner in the business.  Fans of EastEnders have been treated to passionate, secretive, wall slamming kiss scenes between the two men.  And guess what?  Syed loves Amira, and wants to marry her.  Amira has a father in prison for shady financial dealings, and she appears to be the only person in the entire cast who does not know or suspect something is up.  We're sure that will change.  On New Year's Day, the traditional Muslim Pakistani wedding of Syed and Amira was telecast, in all its elaborate and eye popping splendor.  Amid the glamour, Christian kept popping up and glaring at Syed, who was clearly rattled.  Oh, and Christian also outed Syed to Zainab, Syed's pregnant mom.  Zainab told Christian he was a pervert and he had lost because now Syed was going to do things the right way by marrying Amira.  Zainab had pushed for the wedding to take place, not wanting the disgrace between families of the wedding being called off because of "perversion".  Syed has admitted to his mom that he's gay, but agreed to go ahead with the wedding.
 Hmm.  Straight spouses <http://www.straightspouse.org> all across the globe, doesn't some of this sound familiar?  A bit over the top maybe, but familiar, yes?  We're depending on the UK straights to keep us updated on these developments.  EastEnders is seen all over the world, but current episodes outside the UK are only seen on Pay Per View. (This of course costs much more than the average subscription to the BBC).  In the United States, prior seasons of EastEnders can be seen on select public television stations.  Poor Amira.  Here she is, a smart girl with what appears to be a fabulous future, the handsomest husband in London, a mother in law from hell, and she's the last one to know he's gay.  We're sure she'll find out soon, and it won't be kind.  Perhaps Christian will confront her in a jealous rage.  Perhaps like many of her real counterparts, she won't believe him.  Perhaps she'll find Syed and Christian in the act.  When she does, the story can take several realistic turns.  She might become angry, and keep the secret to herself, resulting in depression and suicidal behavior.  Her mother in law might cover up her own knowledge of the affair by telling Amira that she just isn't a good enough wife to turn this around.  Somehow, Amira will wind up taking blame for being stupid, for knowing anyway and pretending to be all innocent, or for not being a good enough wife.  Maybe Amira's dad will order a hit on Syed from prison to spare her the disgrace of a divorce from a homosexual.  Under Islamic law, Amira is entitled to a divorce if Syed is unfaithful, whether this is with a man or woman. Many western courts have not caught up with this idea, and consider infidelity to only involve another person of the opposite sex. Maybe she'll visit the UK's only face-to-face support service at www.straightpartnersanonymous.com. She'll learn that she is not alone.  She'll begin the intense journey toward healing herself and recovering from the devastation that such a deep deception inflicts on her.  We might see something like the Straight Partners group turn up in the East End.  Wow!  Then other East Enders and Londoners might start actually looking for the support they didn't know existed!  

Welcome, Amira, to the group no one wants to be a part of.  Feel free to bring your friends.