Thanks Kevin, for permission to include your letter to the BBC.
F.A.O. Mr Diederick Santer, Producer.
Dear
Sir,
I
don’t normally watch Eastenders, but when I saw that you were running a story
about a gay man getting married, I decided to see if he went through with it.
The story touches on my recent life, as I have recently got divorced.
My
ex wife is Gay.
Please
note. This is NOT a letter of complaint or protest. It is a letter of hope.
As
the story goes forward, I’m sure that you will explore Syed’s emotional
struggle with his sexuality with regard to his wife, as you have been in the
context of his family and religion. But what of Amira?
She
has now become a straight spouse, one of ‘us’. It is a reality for thousands in
the
UK
and literally millions of men and women around the world who discover
themselves to be married (often for many, many years) to someone who is lesbian
or gay.
This
is a great opportunity for the actress playing Amira to explore a truly insane
range of emotions and illogical responses, which will require inspired writing,
to tell our tale of emotional destruction, the overcoming of homophobia,
isolation, counselling, resolution, personal rebirth, and possibly future
friendship with an openly gay ex. By doing so the BBC will not only make a
better job of it than ‘Ross in Friends’, it will speak to and for straight
spouses, and will render a great service to people who find themselves ‘sucked
into the closet’ as their spouse comes out.
In
exploring this role fully I hope that you will show her:
Confusion
over the lack of passion and possibly lack of consummation of the
marriage
Blaming
herself for that
Wondering
what she has done wrong
Growing
depressed and unable to speak to anyone about the situation
Putting
on a ‘brave face’
Reaction
as her husband withdraws from her and his friends and family
Finding
evidence and being crushed and confused
Being
emotionally abused as a direct effect of her husbands ‘closet'
Being in
chaos as her husband eventually ‘comes out’, and expects her support,
claiming that he isn’t cheating, because it isn’t with another woman
Difficulty
in obtaining a divorce, because her husbands gay liaison doesn’t count as
adultery
Blaming
herself because her husband is gay
Dismay
as friends say ‘at least it’s not another woman’
Struggling
with ‘reaction homophobia’
Fear at
her new belief that all men are secretly gay
Seeking
the scant support available for her, finding SSN and possibly joining a
face to face support group
Difficulties
in dealing with any religious fallout – on top of everything else
Facing
the reality of STI tests (which are highly recommended for a woman in her
situation)
The
BBC is renowned for it’s quality programmes and excellent writing, but my
emphasis here in concentrating on HER character is in the hope that the BBC has
not gone for the ‘obvious target’ and concentrated the developing story on the
gay man. We find all too often that it is ‘all about them’ and the straight
spouse is ignored.
I
hope that the BBC will not shy away from the unpalatable side effects and
fallout of a straight/gay relationship out of ‘political correctness’. I hope
that you will express our story, of being a minority within a minority.
It
is not a normal relationship, and what follows is not a normal divorce.
I
hope therefore that your writers have explored this aspect fully, that they
have consulted with The Straight Spouse Network, Straight Partners Anonymous,
Amity Pierce Buxton and Carol Griever as part of their research. If not, then
for your information I offer the following ‘for instances’ of our experiences:
It
is rare for the gay partner to admit to being fully gay, straight out.
The
gay partner often comes out when under stress, following a family bereavement,
mid life event or illness. It is also common for them to come out when the
straight partner needs their support for a similar crisis. Failing that,
anniversaries or events (new year etc) seem to be popular. Being outed by
someone else, especially a gay partner, is rare.
Prior
to coming out the gay partner becomes increasingly withdrawn from home responsibilities,
family and straight friends, and of course from the straight spouse, who then
falls into a co-dependent relationship, excusing, accommodating, pleasing and
desperately trying to affirm the relationship – all the while being ignorant of
the true situation, which results in their own isolation.
I
further hope that, in exploring this sensitive issue, that you will give
publicity to the above organisations, in the normal manner, by putting a
statement following the programme, along the lines of:
The following blog, about a storyline from
EastEnders, has been uploaded with the permission of Straight Spouse Network,
with which SPA is affiliated. You can visit the SSN website here.
One of the great things about being part of an
international organization that supports straight spouses is that we get to
keep up with the television and movies that aren't available in all areas.
Straight spouses in the UK <www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk.>
started 2010 watching an elaborate wedding staged between a closeted gay man
and a clueless woman on EastEnders one of the most watched soap operas in the
entire world. Oh, the drama. It seems there's been this torrid
homosexual affair going on between Syed, the modern, westernized, highly
educated son of a Moslem family in the catering business, and Christian, a
partner in the business. Fans of EastEnders have been treated to
passionate, secretive, wall slamming kiss scenes between the two men. And
guess what? Syed loves Amira, and wants to marry her. Amira has a
father in prison for shady financial dealings, and she appears to be the only
person in the entire cast who does not know or suspect something is up.
We're sure that will change. On New Year's Day, the traditional
Muslim Pakistani wedding of Syed and Amira was telecast, in all its elaborate
and eye popping splendor. Amid the glamour, Christian kept popping up and
glaring at Syed, who was clearly rattled. Oh, and Christian also outed
Syed to Zainab, Syed's pregnant mom. Zainab told Christian he was a
pervert and he had lost because now Syed was going to do things the right way
by marrying Amira. Zainab had pushed for the wedding to take place, not
wanting the disgrace between families of the wedding being called off because
of "perversion". Syed has admitted to his mom that he's gay,
but agreed to go ahead with the wedding.
Hmm. Straight spouses <http://www.straightspouse.org> all across the globe,
doesn't some of this sound familiar? A bit over the top maybe, but
familiar, yes? We're depending on the
UK straights to keep us updated on
these developments. EastEnders is seen all over the world, but current
episodes outside the
UK
are only seen on Pay Per View. (This of course costs much more than the average
subscription to the BBC). In the
United States, prior seasons of
EastEnders can be seen on select public television stations. Poor Amira.
Here she is, a smart girl with what appears to be a fabulous future, the
handsomest husband in
London,
a mother in law from hell, and she's the last one to know he's gay. We're
sure she'll find out soon, and it won't be kind. Perhaps Christian will
confront her in a jealous rage. Perhaps like many of her real counterparts,
she won't believe him. Perhaps she'll find Syed and Christian in the act.
When she does, the story can take several realistic turns. She
might become angry, and keep the secret to herself, resulting in depression and
suicidal behavior. Her mother in law might cover up her own knowledge of
the affair by telling Amira that she just isn't a good enough wife to turn this
around. Somehow, Amira will wind up taking blame for being stupid, for
knowing anyway and pretending to be all innocent, or for not being a good
enough wife. Maybe Amira's dad will order a hit on Syed from prison to
spare her the disgrace of a divorce from a homosexual. Under Islamic law,
Amira is entitled to a divorce if Syed is unfaithful, whether this is with a
man or woman. Many western courts have not caught up with this idea, and
consider infidelity to only involve another person of the opposite sex. Maybe
she'll visit the
UK's
only face-to-face support service at www.straightpartnersanonymous.com.
She'll learn that she is not alone. She'll begin the intense journey
toward healing herself and recovering from the devastation that such a deep
deception inflicts on her. We might see something like the Straight Partners
group turn up in the
East End. Wow!
Then other East Enders and Londoners might start actually looking for the
support they didn't know existed!
Welcome, Amira, to the group no one wants to be a part of. Feel free to
bring your friends.
