I'm very pleased to welcome you to the SPA webpage, and also pleased that you're taking the time to read my blog. My name is Janice and I'm SPA's founder. I was born and raised in Boston USA but came to live in the UK in 1972. I met my English husband two years previously, when he had a summer job in Boston. My sister set us up on a blind date! I'm going to write this blog purely from the perspective of a straight woman whose ex-husband is gay. I'm sure straight men and lesbian partners have similar issues but I've not had personal experience of that. If you have, then please add your comments! You never know who you might help just by sharing your thoughts and insights. My ex-husband came out in 2001. If you've lived through, or are living through this experience then I don't have to detail the devastation, pain and horror. Even if your relationship wasn't happy, or if you already knew that your partner had a history of same-sex attraction or activity, the coming out process will send you reeling. It will probably send your partner reeling too.
Initially, you'll think that your relationship was a sham, and that he used you and/or your children as a smokescreen. I felt indescribable rage - I never wantto feel that degree of rage again. I felt extremely vulnerable and thought he was victimising me, for whatever purpose I couldn't imagine. I felt that my husband was a complete stranger because I didn't recognise this man who lied and cheated. Our marriage had been celibate for 20 years (incredible!) and I felt that his coming out was the final sexual rejection. I couldn't understand why he was treating me this way because I was innocent. I knew that we had grown apart but I felt that I was doing the best I could. At the time, I didn't understand that being gay isn't a matter of choice, any more than being straight is down to choice. I was very frightened about what the future would bring and I doubted my ability to live alone. I was dreadfully frightened.
I now realise that coming out is a terrifying ordeal for gay people and that can sometimes cause a man to behave in ways that are very hurtful to their straight partner, quite apart from the initial revelation. It's also an ordeal that shatters the world and life of the straight partner. This is a potentially explosive mix that can may mean the behaviour of both people can become distorted. A gentle, mild-mannered person - whether that's you or your partner or both - may suddenly morph into an enraged demon. I'm sorry to say that I morphed into the enraged demon, but cruel things were said and done by both of us. I felt that I was the only person to whom this had ever happened. The idea that a gay man would want to marry a straight woman seemed an absurd contradiction, one of which I had never heard. It certainly wasn't discussed by the UK media at that time. I desperately searched the Internet for support services based in the UK and found an online group which I joined for awhile, but it didn't serve my needs. However I'm sure it meets the needs of many others. I eventually became envious of my ex-husband because he was happy with his new life and was an active member of a gay men's social group. Why were there no support groups for straight women in the UK, I wondered? Then I looked a bit closer on the Internet and found support groups in most large American cities, which isn't much help if you live in a rural area of course! Once again I wondered why there were no support groups in the UK? It seemed grossly unfair. Thank goodness society's attitudes towards gay men are changing because too many people - both straight and gay - have wasted their lives trying to pander to other peoples' fear and prejudice.Unfortunately society's attitudes towards straight women whose partner is gay remains unchanged. Why? Because the issue simply isn't on peoples' radars: it wasn't on mine until it happened to me! Fear, shame, and ignorance ensures the issue is rarely discussed openly - in the UK at least! It's my impression it receives slightly more media coverage in the USA. The result is that straight women are often forcibly shoved into the same closet from which their partner has recently emerged. Unfortunately, society's attitudes towards these straight women lag way behind the more tolerant attitude towards gay men. Straight people often forget that gay men are subjected to the same subtle anti-gay propaganda as everybody else. Until relatively recently, homosexuality was taken to be a sign of mental illness, and it was also illegal. Even now, there are groups that offer 'reparative' therapy, based on the belief that homosexuality is a disease. One can hardly imagine the self-disgust and fear that a gay man must feel when he becomes aware that he's attracted to other men. If you then add in pressure from family and friends to marry and have children, gay men sometimes succumb and try to live the straight life. I know now that most of these men love their wives and secretly believe that a straight relationship will 'save' them. Unfortunately, the straight wife often doesn't realise that her husband has this agenda; very often, the gay husband is barely aware of this agenda himself. A gay man's sexual orientation will always emerge sooner or later because it's impossible for him to deny his true self forever. Thank goodness, the gay liberation and gay pride movement are helping gay and lesbian people to feel proud of who and what they are! Getting back to my story, I have two children who were adults when their father came out. My daughter was married and had her own family; she decided to maintain contact with her father and I'm so grateful for that. However, my son still lived with us when his father came out and I think he felt that he had to protect me; he also felt angry and betrayed. Her broke all contact with his father until August 2009, and they have now reconciled - thanks to the efforts of my future daughter-in-law. With this, I now feel that I've reached closure along with the rest of the family. It's taken me several years to work through my negative emotions and I'm convinced that my recovery was delayed because I had no support: my American family was 3000 miles away and there wasn't a support group. I now have a good relationship with my ex-husband. He has come to terms with his sexual orientation and I believe he is happy, living as a gay man. We talk on the phone, email each other, go out for dinner, and visit our daughter and her family. We feel secure in our friendship if we have no contact for a couple of months. He has even offered constructive advice for this website! Life is good for me. In the early days I entered into a number of relationships - I think I needed to prove to myself that I was still attractive, having been sexually inactive for 20+ years and that's not a good reason to enter into a relationship. Now I'm single and happy to stay that way, but if I ever do meet my soulmate then my life will take another turn. I've now reached the point where I would like to support other people who are in the same situation. I don't claim to have answers but I do have empathy and sometimes, that's enough. Thanks for having the patience to read through this!
