What constitutes an acceptable, or should I say healthy level of sex in a relationship? This is a ‘piece of string question’, as the answer to it depends on the age of the participants, their dynamics, the length of the relationship, and outside pressures.

There’s no such thing as normal, or rather, we think that our experience IS the norm, as indeed it is, for us.

And it is in this way that the straight spouse misses the BIGGEST warning sign of all.

Many of us come from sheltered sexual backgrounds. Even these days, in the age of the net and ‘openness’, there is a massive level of modesty about sex in the UK, and elsewhere, thanks to prudish ‘Victorian values’ and/or religious mores. It wasn’t until I went to counselling after the fact that I was told this:

“If your partner isn’t having sex with you, there’s a problem in the relationship”

Now, OK guys, this is a NO BRAINER, right? Well, yes, except that when you are in a co-dependent relationship (like ours), you are WORKING so damn hard at EVERYTHING that you don’t notice this ‘elephant in the room’. Added to this, we find ourselves isolated from our friends and relatives, reluctant to discuss or even to admit that there is a problem.

We are brought up with the idea that married sex dwindles, and buy ourselves into the idea that once a week, then once a fortnight, then once a month, then bi-monthly etc. is the norm, and we slowly get sucked into this sexual void.

Often the other aspects of the relationship are good, friendship, family, work, and because there are no massive arguments, we go along with this, put up and shut up!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is WRONG.

We have a right to sex. Not to demand it, force it or insist on it. Not the legalised rape of ‘conjugal rights’. What we should have is a right to expect that sex is there as part of our relationship.

And if it isn’t, then there’s something wrong.

I’m not saying that if you are in a straight relationship, and you are not having sex, then your partner is gay. No, what I’m saying is that it’s a big red flag indicating a problem. He/she is gay is statistically at the bottom of the reason pile.

It may be that:

There’s an obvious rift (argument/feud) or,

There’s something physically wrong. (hidden or unknown illness, embarrassment over some issue) or,

There is something emotionally wrong. (stress, grief, depression) or,

Family/work/time pressures are sucking the life out of the relationship or,

He/she is having an affair or,

SOMETHING ELSE.

When we are insecure, we don’t look too far for the cause; we assume, or are directly told, that it's us. Or our partner comes up with all sorts of creative ways to excuse the sexual breakdown, without actually saying (because they can’t bring themselves to admit it) that they no longer find the opposite sex attractive.

So if you have heard:

‘I’m not getting enough sleep ‘cos you are disturbing me – let's try separate beds’

‘I’m just not in the mood lately, this happens to lots of people’

‘Don’t be silly, how could there be another man/woman’ ( NB- this is a good one – they don’t say ‘anyone else’ because in fact there is another woman/man)

‘I’m dressing in these new (un-sexy flannelette) PJ’s ‘cos I’m cold’’

‘All you ever seem to want is sex’ (but it NEVER seems to happen)

‘You’re sex mad’ (but it NEVER seems to happen)

‘You don’t do foreplay any more’ (but foreplay takes two)

‘I’m having an ‘off sex’ year (month/season) (‘for religious grounds’)’

‘I don’t find you sexy any more (cos you are fat/boring/lazy).’

Or they:

Deliberately avoid coming to bed until you are asleep.

Deliberately pick a fight to avoid intimacy.

Openly tell you that their feelings have changed but can’t/won’t tell you why (leaving it ‘in your lap’).

But you CAN’T find THE PROBLEM in the relationship (and there IS one), then:

THE PROBLEM IS THEIR PROBLEM.

And the problem could be that they are gay. Remember, as with Sherlock Holmes, when you have eliminated the possible, the impossible, no matter how improbable, must be true.