F.A.O. Mr Diederick Santer, Producer.

Dear Sir,

I don’t normally watch Eastenders, but when I saw that you were running a story about a gay man getting married, I decided to see if he went through with it. The story touches on my recent life, as I have recently got divorced.

My ex wife is Gay.

Please note. This is NOT a letter of complaint or protest. It is a letter of hope.

As the story goes forward, I’m sure that you will explore Syed’s emotional struggle with his sexuality with regard to his wife, as you have been in the context of his family and religion. But what of Amira?

She has now become a straight spouse, one of ‘us’. It is a reality for thousands in the UK and literally millions of men and women around the world who discover themselves to be married (often for many, many years) to someone who is lesbian or gay.

This is a great opportunity for the actress playing Amira to explore a truly insane range of emotions and illogical responses, which will require inspired writing, to tell our tale of emotional destruction, the overcoming of homophobia, isolation, counselling, resolution, personal rebirth, and possibly future friendship with an openly gay ex. By doing so the BBC will not only make a better job of it than ‘Ross in Friends’, it will speak to and for straight spouses, and will render a great service to people who find themselves ‘sucked into the closet’ as their spouse comes out.

In exploring this role fully I hope that you will show her:

• Confusion over the lack of passion and possibly lack of consummation of the marriage
• Blaming herself for that
• Wondering what she has done wrong
• Growing depressed and unable to speak to anyone about the situation
• Putting on a ‘brave face’
• Reaction as her husband withdraws from her and his friends and family
• Finding evidence and being crushed and confused
• Being emotionally abused as a direct effect of her husbands ‘closet'
• Being in chaos as her husband eventually ‘comes out’, and expects her support, claiming that he isn’t cheating, because it isn’t with another woman
• Difficulty in obtaining a divorce, because her husbands gay liaison doesn’t count as adultery
• Blaming herself because her husband is gay
• Dismay as friends say ‘at least it’s not another woman’
• Struggling with ‘reaction homophobia’
• Fear at her new belief that all men are secretly gay
• Seeking the scant support available for her, finding SSN and possibly joining a face to face support group
• Difficulties in dealing with any religious fallout – on top of everything else
• Facing the reality of STI tests (which are highly recommended for a woman in her situation)

The BBC is renowned for it’s quality programmes and excellent writing, but my emphasis here in concentrating on HER character is in the hope that the BBC has not gone for the ‘obvious target’ and concentrated the developing story on the gay man. We find all too often that it is ‘all about them’ and the straight spouse is ignored.

I hope that the BBC will not shy away from the unpalatable side effects and fallout of a straight/gay relationship out of ‘political correctness’. I hope that you will express our story, of being a minority within a minority.

It is not a normal relationship, and what follows is not a normal divorce.

I hope therefore that your writers have explored this aspect fully, that they have consulted with The Straight Spouse Network, Straight Partners Anonymous, Amity Pierce Buxton and Carol Griever as part of their research. If not, then for your information I offer the following ‘for instances’ of our experiences:

It is rare for the gay partner to admit to being fully gay, straight out.

The gay partner often comes out when under stress, following a family bereavement, mid life event or illness. It is also common for them to come out when the straight partner needs their support for a similar crisis. Failing that, anniversaries or events (new year etc) seem to be popular. Being outed by someone else, especially a gay partner, is rare.

Prior to coming out the gay partner becomes increasingly withdrawn from home responsibilities, family and straight friends, and of course from the straight spouse, who then falls into a co-dependent relationship, excusing, accommodating, pleasing and desperately trying to affirm the relationship – all the while being ignorant of the true situation, which results in their own isolation.

I further hope that, in exploring this sensitive issue, that you will give publicity to the above organisations, in the normal manner, by putting a statement following the programme, along the lines of:

‘If you have been affected by the issues contained in this episode, you can find support at www.straightspouse.org or www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk’

Please can you also add this information to your help page. Thank you.

Yours in hope,

Kevin Stevenson