Suggested Reading

Bestsellers
Meeting with people in the same situation is vital to your recovery, but a good book (or two) is also very useful. You can always refer to your book in times of need and find encouragement.

Fortunately, there are a number of books that deal with this subject - some have been written by women whose partners were gay, whilst others are serious research studies. All are available at Amazon.co.uk or Amazon.com and some may be found at your local library. If you'd rather not discuss your requirements with the librarian, most libraries have a website where you can reserve books online.

A note of caution: each book is written by an American author whose experience reflects American cultural values, and these may or may not translate easily to the UK. Remember the proverb that the USA and the UK are divided by a common language! It's also worth noting that any statistics or data about HIV, AIDS, or any sexually transmitted disease will reflect the American scene and may or may not be still accurate when you read the book! For this reason, I've noted the year of the book's publication. Having said that, please don't be 'ageist' about the older books!

Obviously the list isn't definitive and it purely reflects the volumes on Janice's bookshelf or those on her wish list! If you'd like her to consider including a particular book, please contact her.

If you've read any of these books, please post your review by clicking  here. Don't be bashful!

The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families by Amity Pierce Buxton, revised and expanded edition published by John Wiley in 1991. Amity founded the Straight Spouse Support Network and you can access her website here.

From the dust jacket:
"In two million marriages, one of the partners is gay, lesbian or bisexual. Having a spouse disclose his or her same-sex attraction is a shattering experience fraught with pain, confusion, anger and a profound loss of self-esteem. Amity Pierce Buxton spotlights this exploding phenomenon and reports constructive coping strategies that spouses and children have used to resolve problems of sexual damage, family breakdown, deception, and homophobia. Illustrated throughout by riveting personal narratives, this expanded edition traces the family's journey from initial trauma to eventual transformation."


You're What?! By Heather Cram, published by Bascom Hill in 2008. You can access Heather's website here.

From the dust jacket:
"After 14 years of marriage and 2 children, Heather Cram was shocked to find that her husband was gay. Confused, angry and frightened, she began a multi-year journey of self-discovery that, although difficult and sorrowful, led her to realise one thing: she needed to help other women in the same situation."


How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths about Straight Wives by Bonnie Kaye, published by CCB Publishing in 2007. You can access Bonnie's website here.

From the dust jacket:
"How I Made My Husband Gay is a self-help book for women who learn or suspect that they may be married to a gay/bisexual man. Compiled, edited and contributed to by Bonnie Kay, M.Ed, the international expert in the field of gay/straight marriages, this books helps women by revealing the signs and patterns in their marriages that could be 'red flags'. There are 35 stories from members of Kaye's international support group who talk about those signs they initially missed, as well as how they were blamed by their gay husbands for the failures in the marriages. Kaye also has her women discuss ways that they 'caught' their husbands, as well as how they started over after ending the marriage which she refers to as a 'mis-marriage' or a mistake of a marriage."


Gay Husbands/Straight Wives: A Mutation of Life by Bonnie Kaye, published by 1st Books in 2003. You can access Bonnie's website here.

From the dust jacket:
"Gay Husbands/Straight Wives is a self-help book for women who discover that their husbands are gay. Written by counselor Bonnie Kaye, this books is a follow-up of her first book Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women who Wonder. Topics include sexuality and women's self-esteem, the effect of the Internet, the controversy of changing a gay man's sexuality, the myth of bisexuality (sic)and the mourning stages after a marriage is over. The book also has interviews with members of Kaye's online support group , as well as interviews with two men who help to counsel gay husbands who come to Kaye for help."


My Husband Is Gay: A Womans' Guide to Surviving the Crisis by Carol Grever, published by The Crossing Press in 2001. You can access Carol's website here.

From the dust jacket:
"After 30 years of marriage, Carol Grever's husband told her he was gay. This disclosure led her on a five-year, soul-searching journey, culminating in this road map for women in similar situations. Their passages to wholeness exemplify forgiveness, growth, healing, and hope. An essential guide for any woman seeking understanding in the midst of her crisis."


When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate's Recovery Manual by Carol Grever and Deborah Bowman, published by Routledge in 2008. You can access Carol's website here.

From the dust jacket:
"Discovering that your mate is gay is one of the most traumatic events in a marriage. When Your Spouse Comes Out is a comprehensive exploration of this relatively widespread crisis. It provides practical steps that can keep this event from ruining the lives of those involved. This useful tool offers solid therapeutic techniques for self-help and present poignant, true stories that demonstrate that the damage is not irreparable. The books examines various reactiosn to the coming-out event, underlying psychological forces, and common obstacles for the whole family that complicate straight spouse recovery. Finally, it shares hard-won lessons and secrets of transformation that open the door to personal renewal and happiness."


Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows by Louella Bonnell Christy Komuves, published by iUniverse in 2008.

From the dust jacket:
"Louella Bonnell Christy Komuves has crafted an in-depth spiritual guideline for anyone experiencing a similar situation in his/her marriage. The author has exposed her heart and soul with genuine courage rarely seen in an autobiography. No longer will straight spouses need to be silent about the agony and pain they feel while living with a gay man or lesbian woman. The feelings of loneliness and devastation can lead a person to wonder if it will ever be possible to once again trust a loved one. Silent Sagas is packed with inspiration and hope to assist you in your journey toward wholeness and a life long sense of well-being. Credible resources that will help empower recovering straight spouses have been identified and included by the author."


When Husbands Come Out of the Closet by Jean Schaar Gochros, published by Harrington Park Press in 1989.


Uncommon Lives: Gay Men and Straight Women by Catherine Whitney, published by New American Library in 1990.

From the dust jacket:
"Intimate and revealing, Uncommon Lives, the most comprehensive study of gay/straight relationships to date, shatters our most commonly held myths about the sexual practices, depth of commitment, and motivations of the gay men and straight women who have chosen to pursue very unconventional relationships."


Husbands Who Love Men by Aileen H. Atwood, published by AMI Publishers in 1998.

From the dust jacket:
"This book was born in the early 1980s when the terrifying and mysterious disease of AIDS first emerged on the scene in San Francisco. Few people understood the disease, and fewer still were willing to consider the possible connection between AIDS, homosexual men, and the women who loved them. Until quite recently, little research has been conducted on married homosexual men. Now that more women and their children are contracting AIDS, the subject of gay men who are married to unsuspecting wives is beginning ti receive more attention. Mary Fisher, founder of Family AIDS Network, was among the first to disclose the shock of realising that her husband was gay and the devastation that followed when she learned that she had contracted AIDS from  him. Other women are now coming forward to tell the painful stories of learning that their husbands are actively gay and, in many cases, have exposed them and their children to AIDS. Their true stories are recorded here so that other wives, who might be unwilling to believe that their husbands could be bisexual, are better prepared to protect themselves and their families."


Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Places by Laud Humphreys, published by Aldine Transaction in 1970.

From the dust jacket:
"From the time of its  publication in 1970, The Tearoom Trade engendered controversy. It was also accorded an unusual amount of praise for a first book on a marginal, intentionally self-effacing population by a previously unknown sociologist. The book was quickly recognised as an important, imaginative and useful contribution to our understanding of 'deviant' sexual activity."


The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel, published by Columbine Books in 1990. You can access Beverly's website here.

From the dust jacket:
"Does your husband or lover constantly criticise you and put his needs before you? Do you sometimes wonder if your best friend is truly a friend? Does your boss try to control your every move? Does your fear of being left alone keep you in chronically hurtful relationships?
If any of these questions sound familiar, you could very well be suffering from emotional abuse - the most widespread but also the most hidden abuse that women experience. This type of abuse is just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse. But there is help in this invaluable, compassionate sourcebook. As a marriage, family, and child therapist who has grappled with these issues herself, Beverly Engel guides you through a step-by-step recovery process, helping you to shed the habits begun in childhood and take the first few steps toward healthy change."


Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark, published by Celestial Arts in 1978.
You can access Don's website here. You can read the author's comments on the website.


Making and Breaking Families by Jill Curtis, published by Free Association Books, 1998. You can access Jill's website here.

From the dust jacket:
This book looks at the many new combinations which have come to constitute a family at the end of the 20th century including families where one or both parents are gay or lesbian, with custody of a child from  a previous relationship.


Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and in Love with a Woman by Joanne Fleisher, published by Alyson Books in 2005. Joanne is a moderator of a question and answer website called Ask Joanne, which you can access here.

From the dust jacket:
From 1967 - 1070 Joanne Fleisher lived a happy life in the suburbs, a mother of two and the wife of a successful lawyer. Then she fell in love with a female friend and everything changed. Her experiences, as well as those of the women who write to her advice column Ask Joanne, inspired her to write this book, a guide for women grappling with the difficult process of coming out while being married to a man.


Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance by Richard A. Isay, published by Owl Books in 1998.

The book features a chapter on gay men in marriage.


The Secret Lives of Married Men by David Leddick, published by Alyson Books in 2003.

From the dust jacket:
Leddick profiles 39 gay men ranging in age from 30 - 80, all of whom are, or have been, married to women.


Forbidden Love with a Married Man - Email Diaries by Dennis Schleicher, published by AuthorHouse in 2006. You can access Dennis's  website here.

From the dust jacket:
The book describes one couple's journey as they struggle with identity and right and wrong. It includes actual emails and correspondence between the author and his boyfriend who, at the time, had been married for 14 years.


Half Straight: My Secret Bisexual Life by Tom Smith, published by Prometheus Books in 1992.

From the dust jacket:
Whatever your attitude about homosexuality, there are individuals whom you greatly respect and admire, and in all probability you will never know that they're gay.


Bi Men: Coming Out Every Which Way edited by Ron Jackson Suresha and Peter Chvany, published by The Haworth Press in 2005.

From the dust jacket:
An anthology of bisexual men's coming-out and coming-of-age stories.


What Happens in Paris (Stays in Paris?) by Nancy Robards Thompson, published by Harlequin Next in 2006.

From the dust jacket:
For nearly two decades Annabelle Essex thought her marriage was pretty solid. Their son was in college. That all changes when her spouse is arrested in an incident that makes it into the newspaper with a picture worth a thousand words informing her that her spouse is gay.


A Life of Unlearning - A Journey to Find the Truth by Anthony Venn Brown and Michael Kirby, published by New Holland Publishers in 2007. You can access Anthony's website here.

From the dust jacket:
To some degree we are living a life of unlearning: unlearning the things we have accepted without question but which have no truth in our lives. On the surface Anthony Venn Brown was a happily married father of two and an evangelist preacher for the Assemblies of God church, but he was living a lie. Tired of feeling torn and fragmented, he confessed and came out, and the results of that confession took him on a lonely journey that made him who he is today. Abandoned by the church which considered homosexuality an abomination, he lost everything he'd worked for and everyone he cared about. It was the bravest, hardest thing he'd ever done, but finally he'd been honest with himself.


Two Lives to Lead: Bisexuality in Men and Women edited by Fritz Klein and Timothy J. Wolf.

The chapter entitled A Study of the Married Bisexual Male: Paradox and Resolution looks particularly interesting.


On the Down Low by J.L. King published by Broadway Books in 2004. You can visit J.L.'s website here.

From the dust jacket:
Delivering the first frank and thorough investigation of life 'on the down low' J.L. King exposes a closeted culture of sex between black men who lead straight lives. King explores his own past as a DL man and the path that led him to let go of the lies and bring forth a message that can promote emotional healing and open discussions about relationships, sex, sexuality and health in the black community.

Windfall by Penny Vincenzi
This book has an interesting sub-plot: a mixed orientation marriage. The story is set in 1935 when social attitudes were very different and homosexuality was punishable by a prison sentence.




Disclaimer:
Neither Janice nor Straight Partners Anonymous can vouch for the effectiveness or quality of any interventions or strategies outlined in these books. Readers must use their discretion and decide for themselves whether or not follow any advice given.