Twelve Step Recovery Programme

Following the time-honoured tradition of other anonymous self-help groups, the SPA has a Twelve Step Recovery Programme too. Many such groups offer support to people with an addiction of some kind – most famous of all is Alcoholics Anonymous. Obviously a relationship with a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person isn’t an addiction per se; nevertheless the Twelve Step Recovery Programme outlined below will help you to discover a sense of order and direction as you start to rebuild your life.

The programme, which has been adapted for the UK, is based on Bonnie Kaye’s model in Gay Husbands/Straight Wives: A Mutation of Life and is presented with her kind permission. You can access Bonnie's website here.

The first step toward recovery is to understand the stages that you’ll go through after you learn the truth about your partner’s sexual orientation. Janice has outlined the stages on the Grieving and Recovery page. Following this programme and applying the principles in your daily life will also help you to heal.

Step 1

You admit that your partner is gay, lesbian, or bisexual and that you’re powerless to change his/her sexual orientation. You accept that you had no responsibility in ‘turning’ him/her and he/she has no choice in his/her sexual orientation.

The first step in working toward recovery is to say aloud those words that are so difficult to say: ‘My partner is gay’. In time, you'll understand why saying this is so difficult.

Once you accept this, you must then understand and believe that you’re in no way responsible. He/she was gay, lesbian or bisexual long before you met, even if he/she didn’t understand this himself/herself You didn’t bring out gay, lesbian or bisexual yearnings or cause him /her to change. You had no influence one way or the other on when his /her need to act on his/her sexual orientation would emerge. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

You realise that your relationship is in turmoil because your partner is gay, lesbian or bisexual and not because you failed. Even if there are numerous other problems in the relationship, they all spring from this fundamental truth.

Step 2

You believe that once you turn to help for yourself, you will eventually restore yourself to sanity.

You cannot change your partner's sexual orientation; likewise any changes to ‘improve’ your appearance, intellect, homemaking skills, or personality won't make any difference either. You must turn to others who can lend help and support so that you can start to think rationally again.

When you live with a gay, lesbian or bisexual partner, he/she will always have the physical and/or emotional need to be with a person of the same sex. This won’t ever change and efforts to do so will only lead to your partner repressing his/her needs. You must ask yourself if you can tolerate life in a perpetual bubble of suspicion. The result will be guilt and blame because he/she may not be able to deny his/her true self forever. Having said that, a minority of mixed orientation relationships do remain intact, with both partners having to make sacrifices for the sake of their relationship.

You need to rebuild your self-esteem so that you can think ahead. You might opt for counseling for yourself so that you can work on regaining the emotional strength you’ll need either to cope within the relationship or to rebuild your life as a single person. Please see the list of some UK counsellors here.

Step 3

Make a firm decision to reclaim your life which has somehow become displaced by your relationship and the need to fulfill your partner's expectations.

You’ve devoted a lot of time and energy to your partner’s happiness because you love him/her. Nevertheless some (but not all) straight partners perceive that their gay, lesbian or bisexual partner isn’t fulfilled, and therefore devote more and more energy in trying to please. Unfortunately this may mean that they have little time or energy in reserve to meet their own needs.

You have somehow misplaced your life and aspirations in trying to make yourself more lovable and sexually attractive. It’s time to focus on yourself and the hopes you had before you started your relationship. You had a life before your relationship and it’s time to revisit that period in order to rediscover yourself.

Step 4

Take a personal inventory to identify those traits within you that 'allowed' you to lose sight of your identity and who you were before your relationship.

Many straight partners are in a very low emotional state. It may have started at some point during their relationship, and was further exacerbated when their partner came out, and it's certainly not helped if they struggle alone to understand what has happened. Life with a gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner ushers in a number of emotional problems such as low self-esteem, loss of sexual self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness, even clinical depression. You may find yourself wondering how you allowed this to happen. You may also feel that there's no way out, no chance of recovery.

Each person will have their own answers to these questions. You can probably add to the list, and it may be helpful to jot them down. These are tough questions to address particularly when you’ve lost confidence in your own judgment, but one thing you’ll learn over the coming months is the ability to trust your own instincts again.

When taking your personal inventory, make a list of your qualities and recognise your strengths and abilities. This could be very difficult if you've lost sight of them in the need to please your partner. But merely recalling and recognising them is therapeutic in itself.

A note of caution: you may need professional help to deal with your depression. Feeling sad is one thing, but being clinically depressed is quite another. Please visit the depression page on the NHS website for advice, or make an appointment to see your GP.

Step 5

Admit to yourself and to others that the real problem in your relationship isn't that you and your partner have grown apart or that you're fat/ugly/stupid/dull/a bad homemaker/a bad parent or any other excuse that implies that you're to blame.

You weren’t stupid or naïve when you started your relationship but you did lack knowledge of gay, lesbian or bisexual orientation and the conformity pressures that gay, lesbian, and bisexual people face. You thought gay and lesbian people were only attracted to members of the same sex. Even if you knew that your partner had same-sex encounters or attractions before, you believed that change was possible and that he/she demonstrated his/her desire to change by choosing you as his/her mate.

The overwhelming majority of straight partners didn’t know that their partner had same-sex inclinations and those that did know, didn’t understand that such inclinations aren’t just an adolescent fantasy or brief encounter. You believed in your heart that if your gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner loved you enough, then he/she could change. And your love would help him/her along the way.

Stop punishing yourself by thinking you didn’t read the signs, and remember that they occurred within the wider context of your relationship.

Step 6

You're ready to plan for a positive future and you believe that life can and will become rewarding.

You can and should make plans for your future. You can plan ahead. and sometimes writing your plan down will help you, particularly in the early days when life is chaotic.

If you want to divorce or separate from your partner, you’ll be plagued by negative thoughts which will only serve to frighten you:

These are self-defeating but making contact with other people in a similar situation will help you to understand your negative thoughts. This will help you to develop strategies in order to deal with them constructively.

If you and your partner wish to stay together, you'll have to negotiate a very clear framework around which you will both structure your future life together. You should also be clear as to why you wish to stay together:

Is it because you both love each other
Are you each other's best friend
It's best for the children
It would hurt our families too much

There are probably many other reasons why you wish to remain in your relationship. The point is each couple will have to decide what is best for them. Both of you will have to be very honest at all times in order to make compromises and agreements. Remember that your needs are just as important as his/her needs.

You accept that you have your own insecurities and low self-esteem, and that you need to start working on them.

Make no mistake - living with a person with a same-sex attraction will strip away your self-esteem one layer at a time. It’s a slow process that erodes your emotional and psychological state.

Straight partners often experience low self-esteem simply because they have been trying to sustain an untenable relationship, often for years. A homosexual/straight relationship is usually devoid of sexual passion and intimacy (even if it was passionate in the early years) which means your self-esteem and sexual esteem are at rock bottom.

When you entered into your relationship, you didn’t want just friendship or companionship. You wanted a complete relationship that included physical intimacy with your partner as a means to express your love and commitment.

If your relationship has become celibate, you may rationalise the lack of physical intimacy, thinking that other aspects of the relationship compensate for it. For example, you may share a common interest or you may be good companions. This may alleviate to some extent the loneliness that often stems from the lack of physical intimacy. Or you may believe that sex within all relationships cools down eventually. If you stay in your relationship, you and your partner may have to make decisions about how to manage this.

Step 8

Identify and list all aspects of your life that have been distorted through your relationship and then plan how you can correct this.

You may have spent a huge amount of time and energy trying to please your partner because you love him/her and want the relationship to succeed. Nevertheless your partner is hyper-critical, angry, emotionally detached, and sexually disinterested in you. You don’t understand that this is an expression of unhappiness, which flies in the face of his/her protestations that he/she is happy.

Perhaps you rarely received support or encouragement from your partner and gradually surrendered your goals and dreams. It’s now time for you to focus on a plan to help you identify and achieve your goals.

Step 9

Make contact with other people who are in the same situation in order to counteract feelings of isolation and loneliness. Don't be afraid to find help, even if it's against your partner's wishes.

Why should you put your partner’s need for privacy and discretion ahead of your need for support and help? Do you believe that your needs are second to his/hers?

It’s amazing how many straight partners are ashamed to discuss this subject with family, friends, or healthcare professionals. Do you fear that you're personally responsible for your partner’s sexual orientation? If you answer yes, then you must come to believe that your partner was gay , lesbian or bisexual long before you met. Some straight partners still believe that their personal shortcomings somehow triggered their partner’s repressed inclinations.

If you isolate yourself away from others and try to deal with these thoughts alone, you will feel an increased sense of isolation. You must be willing to speak openly and seek support. You take a major step towards independence and recovery when you can say to someone ‘My partner is gay’ or 'My partner is lesbian' or 'My partner is bisexual'.

Step 10

You're willing to confront your gay, lesbian or bisexual partner to ask for the truth, and you're not afraid that you're going to cause more damage than has already been done.

If you suspect your partner is gay, lesbian or bisexual, or if you have evidence that he/she is involved in same sex activities, it’s important that you confront him/her. Remember this: it's not just about your partner's needs anymore.

If there's one thing that straight partners need, it's truth. You need truth and you want your gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner to demonstrate his/her respect for your needs. Remember that this is the time when you’re rediscovering your needs and making them your priority. You need your partner to admit the truth. Nevertheless, many gay, lesbian, or bisexual partners aren't ready to come out of the closet yet. But that doesn't mean that you must join them!

You may have many other difficult questions. One thing is certain: it may take a while for the answers to come.

Step 11

Seek answers through support and professional help too. These measures will help you to increase your knowledge in order to give you courage to change your life. Explore all avenues to find your path to independence.

Discovering that your partner is gay, lesbian or bisexual is a terrible experience and you’ll need support in order to ease your recovery and healing. After all, your partner may avail himself/herself of a range of services aimed at helping gay, lesbian or bisexual people to come out. There is no shame in seeking help, nor does it indicate that you’re weak.

Step 12

Having a new insight, you carry this message to others who need to understand the nature of homosexual/straight relationships. You also take steps to reach out to others who are in the same situation

Reaching out to others gives comfort to both of you. Not only does it help the person who is just starting this journey, it also demonstrates in a very practical way that they're not alone.

Outreach also helps you to keep moving ahead. Recovery and healing take time but eventually you’ll rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth.

Outreach can take another form too - bringing this issue to the attention of the public at large. Most people assume that gay or lesbian people are only attracted to other gay or lesbian people and wouldn't dreaming of entering into a relationship with a straight person. People who assume this are unaware of the pressures that society brings to bear on gay and lesbian people to conform . The more openly these issues are discussed, the less likely straight partners are to suffer in silence in the future.

As in any recovery programme, you'll have to walk these steps every day. For a few, it will be a lifetime's work. For Janice, full recovery took about 5 years but the process may have been quicker if support had existed in the UK. It would certainly have been easier!

Talking about the twelve steps or reading about them isn't enough. You have to make them part of your belief system: internalise them and revisit them regularly to reassure yourself that you’re on track.

As you start to reclaim your life, you should prepare yourself for a bumpy road. There will be times when you'll be so frightened that you won't know which way to turn. There will be times when you think your progress is slow, or that you're taking steps backwards. There will be times when you're full of despair and you'll wonder if it's worthwhile. There will also be times when you're sure that you're on the road to recovery and wholeness.

So you should use your self-doubts in a positive way. They demonstrate that you are making progress. After all, you're human and all humans are fearful during times of change. The self-doubts demonstrate that you need the companionship and reassurance of others who understand what you're going through. And you're learning: you're being shown the true meaning of the proverb that life is for learning.