Moving On

First of all, let’s look at what constitutes moving on. In truth, every person will have their own ideas about that, but at the very least, moving on will mean resolving the negative emotions and experiences from the relationship and dealing with practical issues such as employment, childcare, the divorce proceedings, and finances at the same time. These are a lot of issues to juggle, and recovery may take a very long time.

For many people, moving on will mean re-discovering their identity, which somehow became subsumed in their relationship. It’s very easy for a straight person to lose sight of themselves as they try ever harder to please their gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner who is, in turn, increasingly angry and hyper-critical. It seems that the harder you try, the less happy your partner is.

For these people, moving on means that their needs and rebuilding their lives become priorities. This can in itself become a source of stress and anxiety for some because they are unaccustomed to putting themselves first.

Straight partners will often have low self-esteem issues that probably began long before their partner’s disclosure. Moving on will therefore give them an opportunity to cultivate their self-esteem.

Self-esteem means having one’s basic emotional needs met – if they’re not, then you will feel unworthy of love and attention. There may also be an impact on your physical and mental health. Straight partners often suffer from clinical depression that stems from low self-esteem. Here are a few warning signs of low self-esteem:

Some straight people are able to re-negotiate their relationship with their gay, lesbian or bisexual partners and keep their relationship intact. For others moving on means having to face life on their own. The prospect of making decisions, whether large or small, without support from their ex-partner can be terrifying because many straight people will distrust their judgment. Any relationship breakdown will herald in a lot of decisions to be made just at a time when you confidence and self-esteem are rock bottom.

Other people, particularly women who stayed at home to care for the children, will face the terrifying prospect of re-entering the workplace. Having spent years managing their homes and families, they've developed a set of skills which they can't envisage as being either useful in the workplace or sought after by employers.

Conversely, many people may have to develop a new set of homemaking skills such as home maintenance or housework. They will certainly need to work out (and stick to) a much-reduced budget, and they may need to become clever in money-saving ideas.

For some people moving on signifies, sooner or later, the dire prospect of dating. How deceptively easy that sounds!

As straight partners, many people have lived in sexual hibernation for years: their relationship perhaps was celibate or they had to cope with an unsatisfactory sexual relationship. They may have been sexually rebuffed by their ex-partners who tried to label them as 'insatiable'. Their sexual esteem will be very low and they have only a very hazy inkling about how sexual intimacy helps to seal a strong relationship. Furthermore, they may have had limited sexual experience before their relationship with their gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner.

Some people will have a string of casual relationships when they become single, such that their families and friends believe they've made a full recovery. Unfortunately these relationships are almost always doomed to failure because:

Even though your life irrevocably changed with your partner's disclosure, what kind of future relationship, if any, will you have with him/her? Finding the answer to this question can be very difficult for many people particularly if their ex-partner is still their best friend.

Relationships are always complex and even if your relationship was unsatisfactory or downright toxic, your ex-partner may still be your first love, or your first lover, or the person who knows you best. You may have shared many years together, raised a family, faced and triumphed over adversity, and put down roots. As doomed as your relationship was, it was yours and it represents your shared history.

If you have children, you'll probably want to maintain some degree of contact with your ex-partner for their sakes. Your partner should still be involved with his/her children and you will both have to work through many difficult issues:

How do we explain what has happened
When is the best time to do this
Who will have custody of the children
How often will your partner see his/her children and what are the practical arrangements
Will the children meet your ex-partner's lover and how do you feel about this

These are just a small selection of issues that will affect children; there are age-dependent issues, including:

What form of words can we use to help very young children understand
How will we deal with any bullying of older children
How do we help a sullen teenager
How will our grown-up children react
How can we assure our children, regardless of their age, that we love them

In time, you may be able to develop a good friendship with your ex-partner. You may decide that life is too short to be angry with each other and friendship will demonstrate how well you are healing.

Whilst it isn't easy, friendship can be a source of comfort and strength for both of you, with the quality of the friendship can be quite unique simply because of your shared history. In the early days, your friendship may be defined by what you don't talk about; by the time you've gained confidence to discuss sensitive issues, you may feel that there's nothing to be gained by raking over the ashes.

Having said that, it's very unusual for straight people to become friends with their gay, lesbian, or bisexual ex-partner. Very often the negative emotions and/or acts that accompany your partner's coming out means that friendship is simply out of the question.

Neither you nor your ex-partner should feel guilty about this. It's nobody's fault. It's simply more fallout from our society's insistence that everyone should conform to its version of 'normality'.

Knowing that your ex-partner has a new relationship, or relationships, can be very difficult to bear. The person with whom you have shared many experiences is no longer directly involved in your life and, as the years go by, will perhaps become less and less so. While you're struggling to come to terms with your new life and changed circumstances, you see that your ex-partner has very quickly moved on and is enjoying their lifestyle.

Just as some straight partners will have a string of disastrous casual relationships, some gay, lesbian, or bisexual people who are newly out of the closet will also have a string of disastrous casual relationships, often with much younger people. They're probably enjoying their first rush of freedom which follows self-acceptance; others may be attempting to recapture their youth. Witnessing this apparently happy and carefree lifestyle can be very difficult if you're struggling with low self-esteem and low sexual esteem as well. It rather feels like your nose is being rubbed in it.

Consider this - your partner has had many years to come to terms with their sexual orientation. Even when they were in the closet, they still suspected it at some level - although many will deny this! How long have you known about their sexual orientation? Discounting any time when you suspected it, it's likely that you've only known about it for a very short time. Is it realistic to expect yourself to accept the new direction that your life has taken with all the adjustments you've made, and not to have some reservations about your ex-partner's gay, lesbian, or bisexual lover? No matter how illogical those reservations may seem, you have taken an emotional and psychological battering. Even if you're glad that your ex-partner is happy, you may very well have some reservations about their new partner. You're not a robot.

In the UK, Relate has decades of experience in relationship counseling. The following tips are based on some principles from their website, but they have been adapted to suit the needs of straight partners.

You may feel that you're the only person in the world to whom this has happened, but you're not. There are tens of thousands of straight people who are or have been in a relationship with a gay, lesbian or bisexual person. Whilst each will have their own story to tell, many have shared experiences and feelings. Making contact with them can be an immensely encouraging experience for everyone.

It's normal to feel shock when a relationship finally comes to an end and it can take time for this reality to settle in. You'll have good days and bad days - give yourself time.

Nobody can say how long you'll need to grieve, nor are there any recommendations about a normal length of time. Put simply, it will take as long as it takes.

Many people feel stuck with their anger, whether directed at themselves or their partner, or both! Holding on to anger maintains an unhelpful emotional connection between you and your ex-partner, which will impact on your ability to move on.

Whether you prefer reading a book, going for a walk, soaking in the bath, going for a run or gardening - it really doesn't matter. Just as long as you give your body and mind time to de-stress. And remember, laughter really is the best medicine so make sure you make time to see friends and have some fun too.

When times are tough it may feel as though you're getting nowhere, or going round in circles. Setting yourself small achievable goals will boost your confidence and give you a yardstick against which you can measure progress. Whether it's getting a dull chore out of the way, going out for the evening or starting a new project at work, it will demonstrate that you're moving on.

Make sure you take regular exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Unfortunately comfort eating is more likely to make you depressed than cheer you up.

Write down a list of the things which you need to do in the short, medium, and long term. On bad days, the mere existence of your list will help you to feel that you're in control and you can use it to remind yourself that you have a life that can be full of possibilities and opportunities.

Many straight partners need the help and support of others who have been through this experience. Please contact Janice.

Moving On

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